19 October 2009

I am proud of you for handling the situation so beautifully. I am proud that you didnt let your inner demon rear its nasty vicious fucking head. I am constantly controlling, fighting, trying to get better and I will not let you ruin me. I have not practiced my creativity in too long,it is easy to say that the parasite is limiting me, But i give it too much credit. It is the parasite that amplifies my creativity. I am NOT proud that i got put onto more meds. I perceive this as failure and a sign of weakness. I might have a drinking problem. I remember how I have written to my alter ego in the past, conversations and reasoning with different parts of self. A switch-on pill, and a switch-off pill.. Ritalin and Seroquel. Fakely manufactured concentration and energy, and then fakely manufactured anti-fucking-psychotic to turn the machine off. It feels like unnatural disablement. I feel like all this treatment to make me feel better has but made me feel worse. My intelligence, process of information, and memory is slowly chipping away. I believe that the treatment retards and numbs my brain, and so it does, even after the initial effects of the treatment has worn off. I still have this insecurity, I feel like I am stupid!! I realize how much longer it takes me to register and retain information. I have a secret addiction, and i wont stress the seriousness because I dont want it to be taken away from me. I feel big. My stomach looks pregnant. I am baring the child of false comfort. Overwhelmed by my dysphoria, aggressive, depressive, self loathing, self destructive thoughts. Heavy anxiety, heart is beating rap[idly, palms and pores are sweating, my breath becomes limited as if I am underground in a cave baring the feeling of claustraphobia, a feeling that accompanies such confound space.

Regardless of my feelings, I know that time is not going to stop for me and that I will get through the day regardless of my procrastination.